Coffee is the nectar of the Gods. This is not an opinion, my dear comrades, it’s fact. Whatever god, gods or goddesses you believe in or don’t, we can all agree that this sweet, sweet juice is what nudges us parents successfully from one day into the next.
And while I, for one, am fully capable of drinking the exact same cup o’ joe each and every day, like the tried and true diesel fuel that gets even the biggest big rig’s gears a’turnin, it’s more fun when we can change it up a bit with the perfect taste and caffeination level for all of our mommy firsts.
*By expert, I mean expert coffee drinker, first-time mom who is mainly making this crap up as I go. Head my advice at your own risk. I don’t wanna hear my choice of coffee sucks, cause it’s coffee. You could feed crushed up coffee beans straight from Colombia directly into my veins every morning, I don’t care how it tastes as long as it gets the freaking job done. And all of these do, so hush your little troll mouths you beautiful baby-growing creatures. 😀
First night home from the hospital
This light and airy breakfast blend is the perfect at-home brew for this moment, because you’re still running on the adrenaline of giving birth and exhaustion hasn’t truly set in yet. You’re excited, happy and confident. You don’t need coffee, but you deserve it.
This delicious cup has an earthy flavor. You just went through the most grounding act one can go through. You’ll likely never be more one with Mother Earth than you are right now, so you need a flavor to commemorate this beautiful, natural moment no matter what way you birthed your baby.
First blow out in public and you don’t have a change of clothes
Starbucks Venti Hazelnut Macchiato
20 ounces of this nutty espresso drink is just what you need when you experience your first public blow out without a change of clothes. You’re going to feel crazy as you scramble to find the outfit you swear you packed into this stupid little diaper bag while simultaneously trying to keep that squirmy little one from further rolling around in the mess. You need a coffee that’s going to support you through this moment; one that makes you feel less alone in your psycho for a second. The delicious nutty flavor from the hazelnut syrup will remind you that you can be amazing and perfect even in your darkest, craziest times as a mom.
If you’re at the park, get in the car immediately. If you’re at the mall, perfect, there’s a Starbs within 100 yards. I’m sure of it. If you’re driving, get to a drive through NOW. You earned this one. Prop that naked baby onto your hip and stand with your head held high. You may get looks, but you don’t care. You’re a mama in desperate need of caffeine and not even a naked baby is gonna get in your way.
First smile, but it’s really just gas
Maxwell House Original Roast
This is a make-it-at-home kinda moment. An average, uneventful, slightly bitter cup of coffee to mirror your mood. Try not to harp on how stupidly happy you were at your babe’s fake first smile as you drink this one. I know it will be hard not to replay how their adorable little smile immediately disappeared along with your elation and in rushed your embarrassment even though you were the only one in the room and no one else even saw it and there’s no reason to be embarrassed because it’s still technically a smile, but you still are anyways because that really sucks and you thought it was a real smile and you even tried to get a picture but your kid farted before you could get your phone out of your back pocket because dang your jeans are really tight right now but you’re still squeezing yourself into them to prove to yourself you can drop the baby weight hella fast …. just drink it anyways, mama. Drink. It. Anyways.
First time your baby says, “Mama”
Dunkin’ Donuts Iced Latte with a mocha flavor swirl and extra whip cream
This is one of the sweetest firsts there is, and it’s even sweeter if it comes before “Dada!” Treat yourself with this delicious caffeinated dessert. Make it a full outing even with donuts and sugar for the whole family!
First all nighter
Dark. Strong. Bold. However you want to describe it, you need the serious stuff here. This black coffee spiked with a shot of espresso is sure to get you through your first all nighter. Now they don’t have locations everywhere, but luckily if you don’t have one local you can buy this coffee to brew at home in both K-Cup and grinds! Now all you need is to figure out how to spike it with espresso, or just shoot it straight into your veins sans espresso, I bet that’ll work too. Rest assured (pun intended) that this will not be your only all nighter. I’ve personally found they get easier to get through the more you have them, but that first one… oh man that first one is hard.
Enjoy your hard earned caffeine with this one, mama.