A letter to my son’s father after their first meeting.
Saturday was everything I have wanted for the last 9 and a half months. You were so great with him and didn’t force the connection; that wouldn’t have worked with a 9 month old anyways. You were patient, loving, gentle, and, the man I fell in love with many years ago. I caught myself falling again. Falling in a matter of seconds after 14 months of anger, disappointment and hatred toward you. What is wrong with me?
But before I start beating myself up, I have so many questions for you. Like, where were you when I called you begging into your voicemail to come over and help me take care of our 9 day old child? Where were you when our son had colic and I was back to work full time? Why did you change your number knowing you had a baby in this world? Why is now a good time for you to resurface? Our lives are busy and comfortable and we got used to you being gone. We don’t need your disruption; we don’t want it.
Rationally, I know this is a step in the right direction and my son deserves a father in his life, but I am harboring so many emotions that I, quite frankly, am not equipped to handle. I hope that you are here for the right reasons. I hope you are ready to step up to the plate and be the strong, reliable male figure my son needs in his life. No, I demand it. You will not be a source of pain for my son like you were for me for so long. You will not build up his expectations only to fall underwhelmingly short. You will do as you say and you will be the positive role model he deserves, or we will be the ones to leave next time.
The part of me that misses you, that goes weak in the knees when I talk to you, is not even a blip on the radar compared to the part of me that is a mother. There was a time when I loved you with all I had and would have given anything to be the one you called your wife, maybe that day will even come again, but today I am only a mother. The man of my dreams sucks on a pacifier, sleeps in a crib and plays with blocks. The only man I am a ride or die for is the one who I rock to sleep in my lap and who gets excited when I sing “If you’re happy and you know it” to. My man is my son and he is and will always be my number one. You no longer hold that spot, or that power.
Now I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and to give you all the time you want with him. You’ve missed a lot over the last year and you will never get that time back no matter how hard you try. I can’t imagine how painful that is for you. So I am willing to let you try. I’m willing to work with you and help you experience both the good and the hard parts about being a parent. I’m willing to do all of this with a genuine smile on my face. But please do not mistake my kindness for weakness, as I am first and foremost a mother. And this mama bear will do anything to protect her cub.
I am so happy that my son met you. I am happy that you decided now was a good time. I am also scared, but mostly I am happy. I look forward to seeing how Zay’s relationship with you grows over time. I look forward to this new chapter in all of our lives. No matter how I feel about you (good, bad or downright ugly) you are still my son’s father.
The mother of your child
LOVE WHAT YOU JUST READ? SIGN UP TO RECEIVE MORE POSTS LIKE IT