A letter to my son’s father after their first meeting

A letter to my son’s father after their first meeting

A letter to my son’s father after their first meeting. 

Dear T,

Saturday was everything I have wanted for the last 9 and a half months. You were so great with him and didn’t force the connection; that wouldn’t have worked with a 9 month old anyways. You were patient, loving, gentle, and, the man I fell in love with many years ago. I caught myself falling again. Falling in a matter of seconds after 14 months of anger, disappointment and hatred toward you. What is wrong with me?

my son's father

 

But before I start beating myself up, I have so many questions for you. Like, where were you when I called you begging into your voicemail to come over and help me take care of our 9 day old child? Where were you when our son had colic and I was back to work full time? Why did you change your number knowing you had a baby in this world? Why is now a good time for you to resurface? Our lives are busy and comfortable and we got used to you being gone. We don’t need your disruption; we don’t want it.

Rationally, I know this is a step in the right direction and my son deserves a father in his life, but I am harboring so many emotions that I, quite frankly, am not equipped to handle. I hope that you are here for the right reasons. I hope you are ready to step up to the plate and be the strong, reliable male figure my son needs in his life. No, I demand it. You will not be a source of pain for my son like you were for me for so long. You will not build up his expectations only to fall underwhelmingly short. You will do as you say and you will be the positive role model he deserves, or we will be the ones to leave next time.

The part of me that misses you, that goes weak in the knees when I talk to you, is not even a blip on the radar compared to the part of me that is a mother. There was a time when I loved you with all I had and would have given anything to be the one you called your wife, maybe that day will even come again, but today I am only a mother. The man of my dreams sucks on a pacifier, sleeps in a crib and plays with blocks. The only man I am a ride or die for is the one who I rock to sleep in my lap and who gets excited when I sing “If you’re happy and you know it” to. My man is my son and he is and will always be my number one. You no longer hold that spot, or that power.

Now I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and to give you all the time you want with him. You’ve missed a lot over the last year and you will never get that time back no matter how hard you try. I can’t imagine how painful that is for you. So I am willing to let you try. I’m willing to work with you and help you experience both the good and the hard parts about being a parent. I’m willing to do all of this with a genuine smile on my face. But please do not mistake my kindness for weakness, as I am first and foremost a mother. And this mama bear will do anything to protect her cub.

I am so happy that my son met you. I am happy that you decided now was a good time. I am also scared, but mostly I am happy. I look forward to seeing how Zay’s relationship with you grows over time. I look forward to this new chapter in all of our lives. No matter how I feel about you (good, bad or downright ugly) you are still my son’s father.

Love,

The mother of your child

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30 thoughts on “A letter to my son’s father after their first meeting”

    • Thank you, Jenn. I hope it works out for everyone. I just want a happy healthy baby and I hope that his dad will help provide that for him. I’m optimistic. Apprehensive and nervous, but optimistic!

  • I’m sure this was hard to write, but I glad for you that you can get it out and SAY it so someone reads it. So many times we wish we had said things and just keep them inside. No matter what happens, writing this letter was GOOD and healthy. I hope he reads it. You are brave and strong. I admire your tenacity and grace in this situation.

  • I can empathize with the pain this must cause you. Even though it hurts to have this guy back in your life and seeing him brings back emotions you tried to push down into the recesses of your heart, you are doing the right thing for your son. Not everyone is as courageous as you!!

  • My son and I have not seen his father since he was about your son’s age (he is now three). I love this post it shows how many different emotions a mother goes through when trying to promote a relationship between father and child. Also how the fear is the there and it is a mother’s job to protect her child. Great post..

  • I can understand how his reappearance in your lives is not easy to define. It must be bewildering in a way. I can feel through your writing the intensity of your need to protect your son but also how you want to do the very best thing for him. I have now read a few of your posts and each time I am struck by the eloquence of your writing and your ability to give words to confusing and overwhelming situations,
    Best of luck to you and your son in this situation. I hope that this man has only your best interests at heart,
    Lots of love to you as you work through so many complex emotions!!

  • I think you expressed how many single moms feel. When you become a mom, your child becomes your true love. I am so sorry that your son did not have a supportive father for the first 9 months of his life. I hope and pray that something has moved him to play a more active role in his life. You’re right, rationally, I think it’s best for a child to have parents who can move beyond their differences and co-parent to the best of their abilities.

  • Aww, this was rough just to read, I can imagine how hard this has been to go through. It sounds like you are handeling everything very well and I tell you what I know…whether or not that man remains in your son’s life (and I hope for his sake he does, and is a good male figure in his life) but no matter what, your son has YOU, so he will be just fine! You got this!

    http://www.HometownQueenBee.blogspot.com

    • Thank you so much. I would do anything for my son, that’s what mamas do! I can only hope that my son grows up knowing that I did the best I could no matter what the circumstances end up being.

  • Such a powerful post. From this single post, I can already tell you are a strong woman that will do anything for your son. You basically expressed how single mothers felt. My heart hurts for you and all other single mothers like my mom. I hope one day, he will realize how wrong he was and step up to be the father Zaylen deserves.

  • This is such a brave post. Not only writing it and putting it out there for people to see, but also showing your strength as you allow this man back into your life, to be a father to his son.

  • Such a powerful letter and proof of your strength as a mother! I can relate to your feelings of how love we feel for another before having a child pales in comparison to the love a mama bear has for her cubs. You are an amazing mom and have the strength of you plus 10 dads and what a lucky child to have you!

  • Hugs!! I understand how much one needs a supporting hand with a newmom. I am sure this new chapter would add more colours to your sons life.. 🙂

  • I have a friend that had a similar situation (21 years ago). It took her (now) husband 2 years to come around after their son was born and he regrets it to this day. He misses so many moments. Kudos to you mom for being so brave, putting your son first, and refusing to be catty.

  • My sister is rising her daughter with a man – who does not contribute at all , to m nieces well being. embrace your daughter and i have he appreciates te beautiful girl you have

  • I can’t even imagine this. For all the faults of my ex, he was always there from day one. You are a brave lady to let it happen after all that time. Bravo!

  • I must say I cried reading this. It so sad that anyone has to go through this. I recently had a baby for my high school sweet heart…we were together for 11 years on and off. I know this sounds crazy but we broke up for 1 year and during that time I had a baby for my ex from junior high. My boyfriend and I eventually reconciled a short time after. He took care of my daughter as if she was his. We’ve been together 3 years now since I had my daughter,ans we had been planning on getting married and eventually having another baby. It sad to say that our plans didn’t work out that way I got pregnant and shortly after he started cheating on me,and being mentally and physically abusive to me. He finally just left altogether and didn’t come back around until I was 8 months pregnant. I allowed him back but he stilled cheated, and disappeared for days at a time. For the birth of my baby his phone rung constantly. When I finally came home he dropped me and my baby off at home and disappeared for 2 days. He finally started coming back late at night claiming to help me out with the baby,which I did all the work because he would just sleep the whole time. Finally I had enough and I kicked him out and changed my number. I’m raising 2 babies on my own a infant and a toddler. It’s hard but I know God will work it out.
    You’re a strong women it’s always good to forgive but don’t be a fool either I made that mistake too many times. If your not certain about your situation just pray and God will lead you in the right direction. Also pray for him and ask God to allow you to forgive him as well. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!

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