The last 365 days have been a complete roller coaster of events and emotions that I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world. I find myself saying that a lot lately: “I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world.” Being a mother is incredibly difficult, not because you’re a difficult baby, but because motherhood is just hard. I woke up one day and realized that my life is no longer my own. Every thing I do is for you; every breath exhaled, every dollar earned, every decision made is for you. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world because you complete me. Zaylen, you have filled my heart with so much joy, love and happiness that it doesn’t matter that being a mother is hard.
Exactly one year ago I had a tiny flutter in my tummy that told me I might be expecting you. A test confirmed my intuition. I was scared and excited and nervous, but, from that moment on, I was wholly in love.
It’s hard to believe how things have changed and how much you and I have both grown in only one year’s time. You went from being a little heart beating in my stomach to an active, happy, funny baby boy who can roll over, grab his toes, stand and almost crawl already. I swear sometimes you even say “Mama” when you’re tired and crying.
Last year my overly stuffed apartment was furnished with tween-age bedroom pieces and now we own a spacious and luxurious two-story home decorated with play yards, exercausers and teething toys. Last year I drove a zippy convertible bug that ventured to the beach more often than my job and now I’ve upgraded to the mommy mobile that stylishly shuttles my precious cargo (that’s you!) anywhere we need or want to go. Last year I was suppressed in a relationship that made me cry more than I smiled and that kept me from building and fostering friendships. Today I find myself crying tears of happiness and thankfulness for the amazing people I have supporting me and helping me to be the best mommy I can.
My life was not better nor worse one year ago, but baby, boy was it different. I used to feel uncertain and unsettled, wandering hoping to find my place, but now I am grounded and have a clear vision. I am proud at where we are and how far we have come. I am proud of who I am. I am proud to be your mama. I am proud of you. I love you so much, Zaylen. I honestly can’t believe you’ve been in my life one whole year. You’ve changed my world and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Letters to my son is a recurring installment on Mommy My Way.